It has been a while since I wrote on this blog. But, it’s late at night, I’m too tired to play anything but not tired enough to go to bed, so it’s a good time to just do a flow of consciousness, backtracking through the last part of the semester.
I began really struggling with school for the first time. It wasn’t necessarily harder, but I was feeling the social pain of self-isolation, and I lacked the motivation to do hardly anything. My solo therapist even suggested it might be depression. I suppose it could be, though I don’t really feel very sad. Though I suppose I have been allowing my emotions to be expressed a little more freely.
The group therapy sessions really helped me get through the semester. Even though they didn’t have the information I had been really looking for, and I had to do more to educate them than they did me, it was still an amazing experience, and I hope to be able to continue next semester. I was able to explore feelings I had heavily suppressed during the years in Florida, and realize that I had been fairly (though unintentionally) dehumanized and lost my sense of personality. With the group therapy, I realized that I was expressing myself more directly, and my insight and blunt questions seemed to help the other members a bit. They were pretty much the highlights of my week, and I really should have gotten their last names to be friends with them afterward…
At any rate, because of the group therapy, I began making further steps on my transition. As of now, I have an endocrinologist available, and I am waiting on a reference from my counselor, but I have done a number of things on my own. I bought a long-sleeve feminine shirt, a shorter-sleeved patterned blouse, a skirt and some stockings at a thrift shop, just to see what I would look like. The results to me seemed nice- I felt more like I was ‘dressing up’ when I was at the archaeological conference in my last flash of masculinity, with the shirt, tie, vest, and pants. With the skirt and leggings, it felt like I was just getting dressed for the day. I haven’t worn them outside of my room yet, but I will probably soon.
Just this week, as well, I stopped by an Avon store, which had been listed by the Welcoming Project as an LGBT-friendly business, and walked inside, pretty much saying, “This is probably the weirdest thing you’re going to do for today, but I am a transgender person, and I would like some help with makeup.” The lady was very nice and welcoming, and helped me by selecting a large sample of foundation, eyeshadow, and lipstick. Even without knowing the first thing about makeup other than a few Youtube tutorials, I was able to play with it, and find what shades worked and what didn’t, and what I liked and disliked. And it felt very easy and natural, and I enjoyed the effect it had.
I think the biggest thing since the last post were the holidays. I wanted to go to visit my dad for Thanksgiving, but I think he might have been retreating and he made a number of excuses for not having me over, which I could agree with as he would just be too busy and we likely wouldn’t be seeing a lot of each other, and I would just be sitting in his trailer without even a decent Thanksgiving dinner. So, while I felt a little spurned, I didn’t let it get to me, and wound up having Thanksgiving with the Anime club president and her family.
When Christmas rolled around, he was more anxious to have me in Tulsa, and I had grown more nervous. I knew the progress I had been making, and I was afraid of the discussions I would need to have with him would not be pretty, and I did not want to have to discuss them with him on Christmas. I didn’t need to have his negativity during the holiday season. And, while I was briefly motivated by a resurgence of the holiday spirit, to do actually put effort into doing something for someone else, I knew that not only would my efforts not be reciprocated in any form (since it would just be acting with his expectations), but it would just be repaid in stress and a negative atmosphere. Plus, you know, same thing as with Thanksgiving, with me just sitting in the trailer.
I wanted to go visit my sister instead, and that would have been an amazing Christmas, with my nephew, brother-in-law, and my other in-law family. But I just didn’t have the money to do the trip, by bus, plane, and the car definitely couldn’t make that trip again. That was a shame, but I put the effort to give them a variety of other meaningful gifts.
More meaningful than what dad gave me- he bought a Voice-to-Text program and a parking pass for the next semester, both things that I did not need to use at all. I suppose I will use them as I can- the voice-to-text program I intend to use to both practice my voice feminization and use to type on this blog, and the parking pass will help me become more involved with campus activities. But regardless, it showed that he really has little idea of my interests or actual needs, or paid attention to what I said about them.
So, this holiday was hard, and I only barely healed the hurt I gave dad when I told him I didn’t want to come. I will be going back, at least for a while, in May when I graduate, which I am not looking forward to, but have to do anyway, so he will have his time with me. He’s still not progressed in his transgender education, and was surprised again when I told him I looked forward to introducing him to any future girl friends, as he still doesn’t get that gender and orientation are two completely separate things.
Anyway, that’s the big news, just trying to keep things up to date. I’m looking forward to the new year, where hopefully I will begin HRT treatment, and my graduation, which will likely look significantly different than my TCC graduation picture!